Responding vs. Reacting: Separating Emotions from Reasoning

Emotions make up the bulk of our everyday subjective experience. They are the gauges by which we measure our quality of life. They also provide important information about how external events are affecting us and what actions we may need to take. For instance, fear tells us that we may be taking an unnecessary risk, while anger tells us that a boundary has been violated and may need to be reinforced. Sadness tells us that we have lost something or been hurt, while happiness tells us that a need is being met. Emotions are what make up our lived experience. They’re also at the core of most of our goals and ambitions.

The unfortunate predicament here is that, while emotions are of ultimate importance to us, they just so happen to be one of the most significant obstacles on the path to clear, rational thought. It’s an unfortunate conundrum for us humans. The emotions that make up our lived experience are the same things that get in the way of us rationally and effectively solving problems or achieving goals. This isn’t only true for the “bad” emotions, but for the enjoyable ones as well. Considering our emotions and the impact on the emotions of others is important when making decisions, but making decisions from an emotional state can be dangerous. The distinction may seem subtle, but it's important.

Let’s look at the most extreme examples as an illustration. Think back to a time when you felt extremely angry or even enraged at a situation. Do you recall the impact that intense anger had on your thinking? Did it help guide you toward a reasonable, well-though-out response that was most likely to benefit you? I’m going to guess the answer is no. If the answer is yes, please write a book about how to make great decisions while enraged and I will buy it. It will save me many hours of mindfulness meditation. This doesn't mean your anger was invalid or unimportant, it just wasn't helping you make good decisions.

Chances are, when extremely angry, you had a greater tendency to misread the intentions of others, respond in a rash and disproportionate manner, misinterpret things that were said or done, discount positive details, and generally act in a manner that elicits poor responses from others. Oftentimes, these responses from others will only serve to increase your anger and rage, causing your behavior and thinking to get worse, thus causing others to respond even more poorly, and around and around we go until there is a breaking point.

A similar effect takes place with any extreme emotion. In fact, the impacts emotions have on your thinking occur even when the emotions are mild (though obviously less so), or even when you’re unaware of them. If this is a scary thought, that’s because it is a bit scary. Thinking objectively about a situation, especially one in which you are heavily emotionally invested, is very challenging. In fact, many believe (including myself) that it is nearly impossible for any human to be entirely objective. The emotions you feel about the situation act as a sort of distorting lens through which you see it. You may think the hard sciences are an exception, but tell that to the flat-earthers, whose emotional investment in their belief system has distorted even their perception of clearly observable and mathematically provable facts.

Additionally, different facts and details of a situation are weighed more or less heavily based on how you feel about them as well as how well they line up with things you already think and believe. This is called confirmation bias, and it’s poisonous to rational thinking and tends to make healthy, productive dialogue an extraordinary challenge.

So what’s the solution? It might seem like the ideal approach is to save all your thinking for when you are completely emotion-free. Obviously, however, this is not possible. No matter how “neutral” you may feel, your thoughts and interpretations will be subject to some influence by your thoughts and previously held beliefs. Having said that, we can make a lot of progress towards minimizing the intensity of our emotions and learning how to correct for these distortions.

Minimizing the intensity of your emotions is almost always the most important step to take before responding to a situation. As a general rule of thumb, the more intensely you feel about something, the more likely you are to have a distorted perception of it. Deciding which restaurant you go to is not likely to be too meaningfully impacted by your emotional state. How to respond to a boss’ email in which he criticizes you, on the other hand, will likely be better decided in a state of relative emotional stability.

One of the greatest techniques for minimizing the intensity of your emotions is to just pause. Give yourself some time and try not to use that time to “stew” or continuously think about the situation, as this will only breathe new life into your emotions. Instead, take a break, do something relaxing, and wait until the initial tidal wave of emotions passes. Once this occurs, the parts of your brain that do better thinking will have come back online and you may be able to see the situation more clearly.

Mindfulness meditation practice is, in my experience, the most effective means of developing the skill of “riding the wave” of emotions until they pass. In fact, regular mindfulness practitioners often report the initial surge of emotions after an event to often last only a matter of seconds when not re-energized with more thoughts. This is a skill that takes time to develop, but it’s worth it. I would recommend taking Sam Harris’ 28-day mindfulness course on his app “Waking Up.” The app “10% Happier” by Dan Harris (no relation to Sam Harris) is also a good option.

Once the initial flood of emotions passes, re-visit the situation with an open mind, looking at your emotional responses and identifying how they may have distorted your view. Perhaps your intense fear of embarrassment caused you to think a comment was directed towards you when it wasn’t. Perhaps your dislike of a certain person made you more prone to attribute malice to their actions. Perhaps your passion for a certain political opinion caused you to make assumptions about the character or intentions of the person who disagreed with you. Perhaps your anger caused you to interpret a piece of minor feedback as an attack on you as a human being. Whatever the case, look at how your emotions may have skewed your interpretation, and be willing to accept alternate interpretations.

By incorporating these practices of regulating your emotions and then maintaining awareness of how they impact you, you will be better equipped to think as objectively as humanly possible about difficult, emotional topics. You will never be perfect. Nobody is. Oftentimes it’s the people who claim to be the most “fact-based” in their analysis of situations that are the most influenced by unconscious emotions, beliefs, and biases. Learning to separate practical thought from the influence of emotions is a lifelong process with no end, but the rewards of personal growth, improved relationships, and clearer thinking are worth the effort.