Cognitive Distortions: Personalization
It’s only been three years, so I figured I’d continue my series on cognitive distortions. This time, I want to focus on a cognitive distortion that is very common, but especially so for people who struggle with insecurities and attachment issues: personalization.
In essence, personalization is assuming that something someone else does is because of you, or at least related to you. For example, if someone doesn’t return your call, personalization might be assuming that it is because the person doesn’t like you or is angry with you, when there is no solid evidence to suggest that is true. The person you called may be ill, overwhelmed, or could have simply missed your call. Personalization causes you to skip over these alternate possibilities and home in on the one that has to do with you personally.
Mistakenly attributing external events to ourselves, even when there's no logical basis for doing so, also perpetuates our tendency towards being self-centered. Even though this logical fallacy is rooted in insecurity, personalization is all about a distorted ego. Remember that a distorted ego doesn’t always mean we think too highly of ourselves. The opposite can be true as well.
To assume that something has to do with us is to overestimate our own effect on the world and others around us. It’s not realistic, and over time, it becomes exhausting. For people who struggle frequently with personalization, keeping people at arm’s length can start to feel like the only way to maintain sanity. Relationships start to deteriorate as we consistently feel at fault for the behaviors of others.
In some cases, personalization can even occur with non-human events. Imagine a scenario where you planned an outdoor event, and it starts to rain. Personalization would have you think, "This always happens to me." In essence, you're attaching personal significance to an uncontrollable and impersonal weather event. This form of personalization is a bit easier to challenge since there is no plausible way that the rain has anything to do with you.
Occasionally, we might personalize something and end up being correct. Maybe that person actually doesn’t want to talk to us. Maybe that co-worker actually is mad at us. What now? The answer is that it still doesn’t mean personalizing is a healthy way to move through life. The truth is that what other people think about us is none of our business. So even if someone’s behavior is directly in response to us, it doesn’t actually mean anything about us. It’s about their interpretation of us.
If someone is upset with you and they value their relationship with you, they will let you know. You don’t need to play guessing games. If they don’t let you know, it means they don’t value their relationship with you enough to straighten it out, and that is a good reason to distance yourself from them. If you value the relationship, you can always try to be direct and ask for clarification (e.g. “You seem angry with me. Did I do something to upset you?”). A person worth being in a relationship with will tell you the truth.
So, how do we combat this cognitive distortion? The key lies in questioning your thoughts and testing their validity against facts and evidence. Every time a thought of personalization creeps up, challenge it. Ask yourself, "Did I truly cause the event?" If not, remind yourself of the true nature of reality and reject the distorted thought. Remember to consider some of the alternate possibilities. Also consider how important this personalization is. How much would it impact the relationship if this belief was true? If it really is a “big deal.” Then face it head on and ask for clarification rather than living in your imagination.
In a universe where many events are simply the result of chance or complex combinations of circumstances, it's vital to remember that we are not the center of every situation. We must remind ourselves that not everything that happens around us reflects our actions or who we are as individuals. Identifying and challenging personalization is a significant leap towards healthier thought patterns and a more balanced and realistic interpretation of the world.